How do we measure our success?

I was always taught that education and working hard are the only two things, which will help me climb up the ladder. I worked hard in school and had a strong desire to become a strong, independent working woman. Everything I did was to achieve that one goal. I judged my cousins, sister-in laws and other the women in the family who chose to or were directly or indirectly pressurized to stay at home. I always wondered why a woman would “choose” to stay at home if given the opportunity to work.

I started my career with a food company after graduating with a masters degree in food science from McGill University. I was also working as a television anchor for a regional channel part-time. A couple years later I moved to New York when I married my now husband and started working with a fast-casual restaurant chain as their food safety quality assurance manager. I was living my dream. Working, traveling, running a household and spending a lot of time with my husband. In our third year of marriage I found out I was pregnant. Both my husband and I were so excited. Happy to embark the new journey and be parents. I worked full-time till my 8th month of pregnancy. I felt great about being able to work during my pregnancy. I was that strong independent working woman I always dreamt of becoming.

My employer only offered 3 months of maternity leave. So in my last trimester of pregnancy I started thinking about giving myself a few extra months at home so I could recover, heal and bond with my baby. After careful consideration I spoke to my employer and quit. I was excited for this new chapter of my life but also nervous about the change.

This was the beginning of a psychological conundrum. I enjoyed taking care of my baby, watching him reach developmental milestones, cooking, singing, going out for walks but always felt something was missing.

I second-guessed my decision to be a stay at home mom (at-least once a day) if not more. I loved being around my kids and being able to take care of my family. But felt worth-less. Before having kids I could measure my success tangibly by my grades, job title, promotion or a bonus but now I had nothing. Sometimes kids disapproved of my cooking and left their dinner plates untouched, they looked disheveled at times and the house was messy. A few moms felt I love my kids too much, din’t scold then enough and caved in to their demands too easily. It left me wondering about my capabilities as a mother, and the truth of it being that parenting is truly subjective and individualised yet one of the most commonly judged aspect of one’s life. After much contemplation, I realised that there is no particular way to measure success as a mother.

My strong desire to stay around my kids yet prevailed and so did my feeling of “underachievement”. That led me to think about what is the definition of a “successful woman”? Is it the one who runs a fortune 500 company, the one who stays at home with the kids or the one who tries to do both?

Society and my upbringing taught me that success can either be measured purely by monetary means or by one’s social and/or professional status. For long we have associated self-worth with a job, title, how we look and/or material wealth. Essentially, I am curious as to whether success can be measured using non-monetary terms and measures. Can we define success using a more holistic approach ? For example, by asking how is our relationship with our inner and outer world? How is our physical health? Are we inspired ? Are we really happy ?

I understand that I ask these questions from a position of privilege but wonder if we are conscious of what we are using to determine our self-worth. When you know who you are at your core - and you're pleased with the person you've become - you’ll maintain a sense of peace throughout life’s inevitable ups and downs. Rather than experience major fluctuations in how you feel about yourself based on your latest success or most recent failure, you’ll believe in yourself regardless.

Doing so will help you focus on behaving according to your values, instead of chasing the things that will temporarily boost your self-esteem.

Hopefully my point of view will linger in your thoughts in your answer to this question of mine :

Who ranks higher on the scale of success - A simple village girl who has hardly seen the world , yet feels satisfied with her life as a dutiful mother and or a woman who has had many accolades to cherish, who has travelled well and is currently a stay-at-home parent by choice who is largely happy, yet not sure if she feels successful .